kim through
   the looking glass

I’ve been thinking a bit about my new size lately.

Mostly because I look in the mirror and I don’t see anything different. I’ve never had a terribly good body image … maybe partially stemming from being called ‘chubby’, ’stocky’, and ‘cute’ - never ‘pretty’ or ‘beautiful’ - growing up .

I told Brad a few nights ago that he was the first guy to have ever called me beautiful - out of 11 (12?) boyfriends I had between grades 7 and 11, when I met him. My parents and sisters never called me beautiful, only ‘cute’.

Every day, I look in the mirror and struggle. I struggle to see myself as Brad sees me and how I know God sees me - beautiful. But I don’t feel it. And mostly, I don’t believe it. I find myself wondering how Brad can possibly call me beautiful when clearly, at best, I’m cute. I don’t doubt he believes me to be beautiful, but if I’m being honest with myself, sometimes I wonder if his eyesight is really that poor …

In the same way, I put on my brand new size 6 jeans and marvel that they fit me. I wonder if maybe I tried on the only grossly mislabeled size 6 in Old Navy and I’m really still a size 12, because I sure don’t feel different and I don’t see any difference in the mirror. I know my old jeans were getting baggy and that now when I walk, my thighs don’t rub together, but in the mirror?

I get in front of that mirror, catch a glimpse of myself in a car or shop window, and instantly I’m that ’stocky’ kid who was yelled at during ballet class to “suck it in!” or the ‘cute’ girl in the family photo beside my two beautiful sisters.

And I vow to tell my daughter that she is beautiful.

Before I got pregnant, I was around 140 - 145lbs and wore at least a size 10, often a size 12. I was shocked to find myself back in my pre-pregnancy pants at about 4 or 6 weeks postpartum - yep, apparently I’m ‘that girl’.

When Gwen was between 4 and 6 months, I realized that my pants were falling off me and looking awfully sloppy, so I bought some new size 8’s. I have *never* worn a single-digit size before in my whole life. I was thrilled!

Lately, my size 8’s have been feeling a bit big … and by a bit, I mean that I can pull them down without undoing the button. So I headed to the mall today and brought home a pair of size 6 jeans.

Go, breastfeeding, go!