kim through
   the looking glass

When I became pregnant with my daughter, I was busy. I was working a physically demanding job 20-30 hours a week as well as finishing my last year of a BSc in Nursing - requiring me to do 24-36 hours per week of a clinical rotation.

Partway through the pregnancy, I began to develop varicose veins in my left leg. The first ones didn’t look bad and didn’t hurt.

Then they began to get worse.

By my third trimester, I was wearing compression stockings and hoping that the unsightly veins would disappear when I delivered. Thankfully, they mostly did.

I became unexpectedly pregnant with my son when my daughter was just one year old. My first symptom was a juicy varicose vein running across my thigh that made me say to myself - “Hey! I haven’t seen one of those since … oh no!” - and run out to buy a pregnancy test! During my second pregnancy, my veins got much worse much more quickly. Thanks to some incorrectly-fitted stockings, by mid-second trimester I was in agony every time I stood, dissolved into a crying ball from the pain every night when I removed them to shower, and my leg was mangled - my ankle/foot was lumpy and purple, behind my knee was a network of throbbing, bulging veins, and they extended into my groin. It was not pretty. When I attended a Vascular Clinic to seek diagnosis for a superficial blood clot that I developed, the doctor said something along the lines of, “Well, the good news is that even if a piece of the clot were to break off, your veins are so twisty-turny that it wouldn’t make into your deep vein system.” Um, I suppose that’s good?

After beginning on a homeopathic vein remedy, the pain lessened significantly and the swelling became more mild. After I gave birth, the change was even more dramatic.

But my leg is still ugly. I struggle with feeling like it makes me look like an old woman.

I’m 26 years old.

I not only have a stretch-marked belly, but stretch marks behind my knee where the varicose veins bulged out so dramatically and quickly - and there’s no one-piece bathing suit that can hide them!

I have two completely different looking legs. As we come to summertime, I struggle with how bizarre my legs and feet will look once I break out my Birkenstock and skirts/shorts. Will people wonder why one ankle looks bruised? Will people notice at all?

I will likely need to wear some sort of compression hose for the rest of my life in order to prevent my varicose-vein prone legs from getting worse. That’s a lot of years. Years of uncomfortable, unsightly, WARM support hose - likely at least over-the-knee, if not thigh-high.

I knew my body would change once I was privileged to grow a life within me; I knew my stomach wouldn’t be the same, I knew my breasts were likely to droop, I knew I was likely to experience some perineal tearing and maybe even some incontinence.

I had no clue that I would have to deal with varicose veins.

This post is participating in the Body Image Carnival being hosted by Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! and MamanADroit who will be posting articles on themes pertaining to body image all week! Make sure you check out their blogs everyday between April 12-18 for links to other participants’ posts as well as product reviews, a giveaway, and some links to research, information and resources pertaining to body image.

On Friday, I had my 29 week appointment. According to their wildly inaccurate scales (the one I normally weigh myself on is 10 lbs less than most scales, and that bathroom was out of order, so I weighed myself in the other), I’ve gained 30 lbs. I’m 99.8% sure I’ve gained around 20, so I’m trying not to be too concerned!! Read the rest of this entry »

Sigh.

Over the weekend, I developped a reddened, sore lump on the back on my leg behind my knee. I called the thrombosis clinic that I went to a few weeks ago and they made me an appointment for the next day.

After a quick examination and a compression ultrasound, I was diagnosed with Superficial Thrombophlebitis, which is a clot in a superficial vein. No deep vein involvement, thankfully. Read the rest of this entry »

As I was reading through my Google Reader today (I have 42 blogs on my reader! 42! Wait … isn’t that the answer to the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?) I came across an entry from one of my favourite bloggers, Julie-Anne. This stuck out at me:

But, there is a process a woman goes through in postpartum which can fall into the second camp. This camp believes that postpartum blues can be a part of the normal adjustment to life with a new baby and the process of grief as the family dynamics change. A postpartum mom is also not immune to outside stressors. These can affect your journey as well. (Please check out the post - titled The Postpartum Rainbow - to read the rest of it!)

I needed to hear these words! Sometimes I truly believe I am suffering from postpartum depression. Most of the time, though, I believe I’m making a transition into becoming a mom;  a transition that is difficult for all, but which has been made all the more difficult by my early postpartum days (Gwen’s weight loss and supplementing regime and my thrombophlebitis), our ongoing breastfeeding struggles (oversupply, a very forceful letdown, and a lot of leaking … although I think these things are finally starting to even out!), a colicky baby, significant extended family crises, as well as the fact that we are still not completely moved in and set up … 6 months after moving!

Posts like Julie-Anne’s make me feel like I’m not alone. That I’m normal for feeling disillusioned. Oh how I needed to hear those words!