moving forward

I’m having a hard time not looking back …

… to what life was like before we had children.

… to what life was like¬†with only one child.

… to what life was like when the community was new and things were exciting.

… but we’re not there anymore. We’ve got three (THREE!!!) kids now. We gave intentional community a good shot. We are, quite simply, well beyond those things.

Did I appreciate and enjoy those stages for all they had to offer? No. Why not? Because parts of them were hard. Parts just plain sucked. But mostly, because I truly believe that you can’t fully appreciate everything about a particular stage until you’re beyond it. There’s a reason “they” say that youth is wasted on the young … you just don’t get it until you’re out of it – till you can look back at it with the knowledge of what came next.

I’ve always been a momentum forward type of person – wanting to know what’s coming next … finding it hard to be content where I am. After high school came university, getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant, buying a house, having a baby. And after that first baby, a second. And a cancer diagnosis. And then a very unexpected pregnancy, and then a very stressful move. And now a third child.

Seems at this point like I’m mostly gasping for air, trying to catch my breath.

But looking backward? Is just. not. working. for me right now. It’s making me sad. Making me feel “less than”. The grass is always greener on the other side … and we’re well past the days of doing whatever we want whenever we want.

And you know what? That’s okay. Because I know that soon, I’ll look back on these years and see them in a new light. A more full light. And I’ll regret not having been “present” with the difficulties – and the joys.

So now, I will choose to move forward. To try not to dwell in the [distant] past or even in what could have been better about last week or even yesterday.

I will choose to focus on the here, the now. Feeling the hard times, and embracing the joyful ones.

Let’s not look back with sadness … let’s look to the future, with a smile.

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