A break in the continuum …
I remarked to my husband, Brad, a few weeks ago, and to a very good friend a few days ago, that it’s easy to ignore how wrong it is to live only in nuclear families - easy, that is, until you have kids.
Then it becomes painfully clear that the way we Westerners live is not quite right.
My friend and I were discussing how much easier it is when there’s even just ONE extra set of hands around. That if we lived in tribal communities, there would be not only a number of adults available all day and night, but also a large number of children of different ages - people for the young ones to play with and follow around. Mom would never be a lone caregiver.
Someone to hold the baby while you bathe or use the bathroom.
Someone to entertain the toddler while you’re nursing.
Someone to make dinner with - or to make dinner for you.
Western culture seems to value independence above all things. I believe that, while it’s important to be independent, it’s even more important to be interdependent. Relying on others isn’t a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength - of knowing and respecting your limits.
So I challenge you, readers: Support a new mom in your life!
What can you do to ease the burden? I’ve compiled a list of things that others have done for me (thanks, mom, friends, community and church women!) and things that I’d LOVE if people would do …
- Cook dinner for her family
- Bake cookies or muffins
- Listen to her complain about the sleep deprivation
- Do her dishes or clean her kitchen
- Sweep her house
- Clean her bathroom (man, if you can do this, you’re a superstar!)
- Take her other kid(s) to the park/for a walk for an hour so she can have time with the baby - and maybe even have a nap!
- Hold the baby while she spends some one-on-one time with her other kid(s)
- Pick up some groceries for her
- Mow her lawn or do some yardwork/gardening (in the winter, this would be replaced by shoveling)
- Listen to her brag about her children
- If you’re able, hold a FUSSY/CRYING baby while she takes a walk around the block
- Go over to her house and visit - but bring the snacks! Honestly, just having another person around makes the time pass easier
So, readers, what will you do for a new mom in your life?
Kathryn said,
April 19, 2010 @ 7:13 am
I sooooo agree with you! I’ve recently come to appreciate and listen to my limits. I used to think I not only could do it all, but SHOULD do it all. How stupid. One of the ways I’ve come to support a new mom in my life is watch out for PPD. It’s been a burden in my life that no one warned me about and now it’s become a passion. I warn pregnant moms what to look for, tell them to call me and then listen for the indicators. It’s become my ‘thing’.
When I read your first line, I thought “no way, girl, I don’t want to be picking up after someone else! 4 people is enough!” But I see your point now. While more people under foot would be more challenging, perhaps it might not. I know I miss having family nearby. I really do. My closest family is 2.5 hours away.
kim said,
April 19, 2010 @ 9:22 pm
Kathryn - and what a fantastic passion that is to have! It’s so necessary to help women get the help they need if they’re dealing with PPD!
LOL - I don’t think a tribal lifestyle means ‘more people under foot’ or ‘picking up after more people’ … tribal families, I believe, still live in their nuclear units, they just have a larger community to rely on more heavily than most of us Westerners do … not to mention lots of eyes to watch out for their kids and lots of other kids for the kids to play with and learn from!
Jen said,
April 20, 2010 @ 2:32 am
Rich and I talked about this last night after I read your post and we agreed that it does make so much more sense to live in community for all of the reasons you listed. I too, struggled with PPD with our older son, and often wonder if with more support that would have gone better for us. Being a new mom can feel incredibly isolating even the second + time around. I always make a point of making sure that new moms know I’m around if they need anything at all, but even as a new mom myself I know we are often too hesitant to take anyone up on the offer! I am always up for talking/listening/visiting, making meals, taking older siblings on playdates, having a cuddle (even with a crying/fussy baby!) or cleaning. I am a perpetual cleaner. It’s an illness really…
kim said,
April 20, 2010 @ 4:53 am
Jen, I fully believe that with more support, not *nearly* as many moms would have PPD! Yes, there are some whose hormones flip after having a baby (I know one woman who had PP psychosis), but I think the majority of cases would probably be just ‘baby blues’ if there was more support!
Nicole said,
April 20, 2010 @ 6:53 am
This was one of the main reasons why we moved from Orlando to Nebraska. All my family is here and it has been a huge blessing just to be 2 miles from my mother. There are many days where we will just both say, I don’t feel like being home so I’m going to come visit you. Ryan always said it takes a village to raise a child and I believe that. A family is more than just the parents and kids. This can include your friends too if “family” does not live close by.
Brenda said,
April 23, 2010 @ 8:28 pm
Reading your post reminds me of why I see communities (like the kind I live in - and you, too) as being so helpful for these things. They provide the structure and the close proximity of people who can lend helping hands and who see you enough on a regular basis to know when you’re struggling and have ideas of how to reach out. And for the children, it’s also great - I mean, what child doesn’t love having the attention of 7 extra adults? And us folks without kids enjoy the joy that children bring. And we live close enough to each other that we can babysit via baby monitor - giving parents a lot more freedom and flexibility. I can see how it works so well in my community (well, sometimes it feels a bit too much like a fishbowl where everyone watches how you raise your kids), but I imagine with you guys being the only (and first) ones with children now that it’s still a bit of sorting to figure out how best to allow others to share in the joy and blessings and challenges of your kids - as well as others figuring out how best to be supporting non-substitute parent adults to your kids (and support also to you guys!).