kim through
   the looking glass

Check out this post on the difference between a question and  a quiz …

In response to my last post, Jen asked:

I just read and wonder, can parents who choose to traditionally school their kids still adopt some of the philosophy here? For us, I don’t think that we would feel comfortable choosing unschooling for our kids, but could we not also create a balanced outlook/life for them by letting our kids learn through experiences, trusting them, letting them see how things happen for themselves and encouraging them to pursue what really interests them? And I guess my other question is (being rather unknowledgable about unschooling)…how does that affect their ability to move on to other schooling if they wanted to (e.g. highschool, college, trade school, university)?

In response to the first part, I think parents who traditionally school their kids could definitely adopt a similar philosophy at home, and I think that’s a fantastic idea! I know one mom who sends her kid to school that doesn’t allow her daughter to read her report cards and talks with her about whether she’s learning, how she’s enjoying her subjects, and how grades don’t really test what you’re learning - and I think that’s fabulous! The major problem I see with that, though, is that kids spend, generally, more waking hours at school than they do at home … so I wonder at how quickly the trust would become overcome.

As for the second issue, there is a great post called 7 Ways to Get into University Without a High School Diploma. Apparently it’s actually more difficult to enroll in a college or trade school than into university, but that can be accomplished by taking a few university credits and transferring in. There are also, apparently, ways in which life experience can be transferred into high school credits, although I’m not entirely familiar with them - I figure I’ve got a ways to go before I have to figure this all out!

My sister Jenny said:

I had no idea you struggled with this because, honestly, you give off the impression you could really care less what anyone else thinks and you’ve always done exactly what you wanted whether or not anyone agreed with you.

Also is unschooling the same as home schooling in that you would keep them home and teach them? I couldn’t figure it out by reading your link.

I’m glad that I appear not to have an issue with this! Generally speaking, by the time that I’ve made a decision I have, pardon my language, researched the CRAP out of it and feel good about it and it’s true - by that point, I don’t care what people think. That doesn’t, however, mean that I’m not agonizing about making the decision or worried about whether the parents will approve. It’s odd - I don’t mind at all whether or not people respectfully disagree or want to discuss a decision - it’s the thought of letting someone down that bothers me. Maybe that’s why I don’t care what people think … if I can’t “let them down”, they don’t need to agree with me - and there’s only a few people who I feel like I could “let down”. Wow. That really sounds pathetic of me.

As for your question on unschooling, someone once defined it to me as homeschooling without a curriculum. Now that I have been researching it, that seems like a very shallow definition. Unschooling is allowing children the freedom to engage in self-directed learning - a method of learning which is highly supported by literature to be one of the most effective ways for people to learn. Why would I do this? I enjoy the following quote from John Holt’s article, The Right to Control One’s Learning:

Young people should have the right to control and direct their own learning; that is, to decide what they want to learn, and when, where, how, how much, how fast, and with what help they want to learn it. To be still more specific, I want them to have the right to decide if, when, how much, and by whom they want to be taught and the right to decide whether they want to learn in a school and if so which one and for how much of the time.

No human right, except the right to life itself, is more fundamental than this. A person’s freedom of learning is part of his freedom of thought, even more basic than his freedom of speech. If we take from someone his right to decide what he will be curious about, we destroy his freedom of thought. We say, in effect, you must think not about what interests and concerns you, but about what interests and concerns us.

That about sums it up. I want my kids to learn because they love learning (we are biologically driven to learn!) and I want them to learn about the world through play, through exploring their interests, by experiencing life, by interacting with people of all different ages, by doing “real world” tasks … all on a daily basis. For an interesting discussion of child-directed learning, check out Dr. Peter Gray’s article, The Wisdom of Hunter-Gatherers. Here’s an excerpt:

The freedom that hunter-gatherer children enjoy to pursue their own interests comes partly from the adults’ understanding that such pursuits are the surest path to education. It also comes from the general spirit of egalitarianism and personal autonomy that pervades hunter-gatherer cultures and applies as much to children as to adults. Hunter-gatherer adults view children as complete individuals, with rights comparable to those of adults. Their assumption is that children will, of their own accord, begin contributing to the economy of the band when they are developmentally ready to do so. There is no need to make children or anyone else do what they don’t want to do.

I love this concept and it is this view - the view of my children as a social, autonomous individuals - that is what is motivating me to educate outside the mainstream. I want to preserve their autonomy and trust them to learn everything they need to know to survive in our culture without being forced, coerced, or manipulated.

Keep the questions coming, people! Answering your questions helps me to put into words what I’m thinking and feeling - an exercise I find most useful!

I’m doing a  lot of reading/listening/thinking these days about trust. Today, I listened to a podcast at Whatever Whatever Amen: Trusting Children (Part One). This is an excerpt from the podcast, a quote from John Holt’s How Children Learn:

“All I am saying in this book can be summed up in two words: Trust Children. Nothing could be more simple, or more difficult. Difficult because to trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves, and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted.”

Here’s the comment I left on their page:

I’ve just recently started listening to your podcasts. The ‘AP sucks’ one got me hooked

So you asked some questions in your podcast, and alluded to some things that I’ve been struggling with. Since realizing that school isn’t really all that necessary (thanks to Sir Ken Robinson’s talk on schools killing creativity for getting that ball rolling!) I’ve realized that although school was easy for me and I (mostly) enjoyed it, I spent most of my schooling making my parents proud. Heck, I went into Biochemistry at University because it made my parents (and guidance counsellor) proud and happy. When I switched into Nursing, I was terrified to tell my parents for fear of their disapproval and even now at 26, married for almost 4 years with two kids, I’m terrified that if I don’t ever “use” my degree and work as a Registered Nurse, I’ll disappoint them (actually, I know I’ll disappoint them. My dad has said it on a number of occasions). So, do I trust myself? Hell no. I’ve been subtly told that I’m untrustworthy and incapable of making decisions for myself my whole life – but I’m darn good at making decisions to make other people happy. It sucks. It sucks second-guessing myself all the time. It sucks having to think “am I making this decision because it’s right for me or because it will make someone happy/proud?” every time I decide something.

I have a hard time knowing who I am and what I like to do. I mean, some things are obvious – I like to knit, I love to read, I’m passionate about environmentalism and breastfeeding, but beyond my hobbies and passions – who am I? I can’t answer that.

Do I trust my kids? Yes and no. I find it easy to trust infants/babies. Really, their needs are so few (and so obvious and so easily met, generally speaking) that it’s hard to argue that they aren’t trustworthy (although some people try *cough* Gary Ezzo *cough*. I trust 100% my son, Gil – he’s 5 weeks old. When he fusses or cries, I nurse him, comfort him, take him to pee/poo or change his diaper if it’s too late. That being said, I find it terribly difficult to trust Gwen, my 21-month-old. There’s a lot of information on attachment parenting babies – not so much on once they become little people! I find it hard not to slip into the “she’s manipulating me” “she’s testing me” “she doesn’t know what she needs” “she should eat more/sleep more/go to bed earlier” “she’s just being dramatic” “what’s wrong with her” “she shouldn’t feel that way” trap. I hate it and I try not to do it, but gosh darnit it’s HARD not to think those things and even harder, once you’ve thought them, to not take action on them.

Learning to trust is hard. We’re currently planning to unschool, and I’m learning every day to give up a little bit more control so that Gwen can learn about her environment, make messes and mistakes, and enjoy her life. I don’t want to pass on my distrust of myself, and I hope that the past 18 months of distrust in her is easily undone. I’m hoping to do things differently with Gil – for example doing baby-led solids (which we ended up at with Gwen anyways because she wouldn’t eat purees), not trying to force him to sleep separate than us, etc. I’m so looking forward to enjoying life with my kids and exposing them to different life experiences (a nutrient-rich environment – I like that analogy) and learning along with them!

I can hardly believe it. And I thought time went by quick with just Gwen!

Gil is growing like crazy. At his two week appointment, he was 7lbs 8oz - up from 6lbs 4oz on day four … that’s 1lb 4 oz in 10 days! Go, Gil!

Then yesterday at his one month appointment, he weighed …

wait for it …

10lbs 8oz! That’s a weight gain of 3 lbs in 2 weeks - 3.5 oz per day. My midwife said in her 7 years of midwifery, she’s never seen a weight gain like that!!

He’s a long baby - already wearing 3-6 mo onesies, although 0-3 mo sleepers still fit him fine. I suppose his length is in his torso … even the 3-6 mo onesies look a bit like scoop-neck shirts

Gil has LONG awake periods - I’m talking 1.5 - 2 hours. He’s still nursing VERY frequently - every 45 minutes to an hour - but is at least giving me small breaks of awake time in between marathon feeds. He’s happier lately - not *quite* so fussy - which is lovely.

Nights are still rough - after a 3-3.5 hour stretch at the beginning of the night, he’s normally up every 1 - 1.5 hours. He’s also got a ridiculous habit of having lots of gas needing to poop sometime between 3 and 5AM and being very uncomfortable about it. Brad often takes him downstairs after he no longer wants to nurse and helps him work out the gas or poop. He’s often awake for 30 - 45 mins with me before Brad gets up with him, so that’s a long awake stretch in the middle of the night. Ah well. I just wish there was something that could help him work out the gas/poop *before* bed, as I suspect he’s waking so frequently due to discomfort.

Gwen’s doing well with everything - it’s definitely helped that it’s been nice and we’ve been able to spend our mornings at the park It breaks my heart, though, to not be able to “come!” with her wherever she wants to go. Thankfully, there’s no shortage of women there that she’s comfortable with - it’s nice o know that she’s securely attached enough to take the hand of one of my many mommy friends and drag them along with her I’m *definitely* looking forward to Gil having some happy and awake and not nursing times so he can hang out in the sling while I chase Gwen around. For now, if he’s not sleeping at the park, he’s nursing!

• Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves - Naomi Aldort
• Parenting for a Peaceful World - Robin Grille
• Guerrilla Learning - Grace Llwellyn
• Magical Child - Joseph Pierce

Go read this post. It very eloquently explains why we won’t use any cry-it-out techniques at our house.

Gil pees a LOT. I remember reading some Natural Infant Hygiene (NIH) information that said some babies pee every 15 minutes. “Holycrap,” I remember thinking. “That’s impossible!”

It’s not impossible. I think Gil pees that often - at least for part of the day.

While I haven’t been completely consistent in pottying Gil, I have figured out over the past week or so that he’s likely to oblige me with a pee every time I hold him over the potty. So that I don’t have to bend quite so far, we’ve relegated an old stainless steel bowl to potty use. It stays under the change table and I can put in on the table to hold him over during diaper changes.

Today, for example, I’ve caught three pees and a poop and I’ve done nothing more than hold him over a bowl after I’ve got his diaper - which I’m changing because it’s wet - off. That’s four more diapers I don’t have to change

Interestingly, I’m finding that adding a second child to our family has not, overall, made me nearly as tired as I thought it might.

Mind you, I’m napping when I can and going to bed a LOT earlier these days than I ever have - probably since grade 7 or 8 … maybe even earlier. I was a bit of an insomniac in those grades …

Gil falls asleep sometime between 7 & 8, we normally start Gwen’s bedtime around 8, and after my part is done (pj’s & diaper, nursing if she wants it, and tooth brushing), I head to bed with Gil curled up beside me. If it’s before 9, I might read for a bit, or like one night this week, enjoy a tv show with Brad.

Mostly, though, I’ve realized that I will only need to go to sleep that early for so long … because before too long, Gil will be sleeping well enough that I can ‘enjoy’ my evenings again.

I’m find this excerpt from Conscious Transitions - Motherhood: Layers of Letting Go to be very true of myself, emphasis mine:

But the main difference between my experience this time is so simple: I go to sleep earlier! I put Asher to bed, then I put Everest to bed and fall asleep with him. Most nights, I’m asleep between 8:30 and 9 pm. So even though I’m still woken up several times during the night and am usually awake for the day by 5 am, I feel relatively rested most days.

Here’s the thing: with Everest, I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my evening hours in favor of sleep. I would have rather been exhausted than give up my private time or time with my husband at the end of the day. The sacrifices as a new mother were so overwhelmingly numerous that I couldn’t bear to let go of one more thing – especially something so essential as time separate from my child. More shocking than the sleep deprivation was what felt like an almost total obliteration of my separate selfhood. I grieved many things in the first months of new motherhood but at the core of the grief was the loss of self and the loss of the freedom I had before becoming a mother.

With the second child, I’ve already adjusted to having significantly less time to myself and the lack of freedom. I don’t experience it as a loss anymore because there’s an acceptance that this is what life is with young children. And over the last 5 1/2 years, I’ve learned how to find my separateness even when I’m in proximity to my kids.

Two kids breastfed on demand.

One outing to the Ontario Early Years Centre.

One load of diapers in the washing machine.

One mother and one toddler well fed and watered.

Innumerable diapers changed and bums wiped.

Two afternoon naps coordinated and executed without crying or struggles.

One mom blissfully sleeping for an hour nestled up with the newborn.

Two loads of dishes washed and put away.

One food share divided and put away.

One fridge cleaned out.

One meal (that someone else made, thank goodness!) ready to go on the table.

I guess this is our new normal. I think I’m going to survive.

Loving this post right now: The Superior Choice.

Um, yep!