Controlled crying
I’ve been doing some reading on co-sleeping and found a great article called “The Con of Controlled Crying”. Here’s an excerpt:
Controlled crying and other similar regimes may indeed work to produce a self-soothing, solitary sleeping infant. However, the trade-off could be an anxious, clingy or hyper-vigilant child or even worse, a child whose trust is broken. Unfortunately, we can’t measure attributes such as trust and empathy which are the basic skills for forming all relationships. We can’t, for instance, give a child a trust quotient like we can give him an intelligence quotient. One of the saddest emails I have received was from a mother who did controlled crying with her one-year-old toddler.
After a week of controlled crying he slept, but he stopped talking (he was saying single words). For the past year, he has refused all physical contact from me. If he hurts himself, he goes to his older brother (a preschooler) for comfort. I feel devastated that I have betrayed my child. - Sonia
Can you imagine? I can’t. I’m so glad that I read this article - on the nights when it’s the hardest, I’ll be able to remember that quote.
For more articles on baby sleep, co-sleeping, baby training, etc. check out this page. Enjoy!
Brandy said,
September 16, 2009 @ 12:52 pm
I would honestly question her methods. What did she do exactly? It sounds severe that he would react that way unless she did some drastic methods.
We had a semi controlled crying episode today.. not sure if it counts since I was right there. She cried herself to sleep for her afternoon nap. I laid with her, held her and talked her through it but she fought it and cried hard. HARD. BUT she slept over an hour and woke up my happy little girl and was nice and cheery the rest of the afternoon.
I don’t like or agree with leaving your child alone in a room to cry until they pass out from crying so hard or throw up. I’ve heard of peope using that method to teach their kids how to sleep. And honestly, it’s those kids that I know this about that are the ones that do seem distant from mom. Or in one case, he preferred the nanny to mommy for almost everything. She was in my moms group/class and he would almost ignore her entirely during classes. At the end of our group she was beginning to question her methods. We had good talks about various sleep issues and after a sleep ‘trainer’ came in we had a great talk. I was very adamantly against ‘training’ and gave my reasons. Our group leader even said she asked the ‘trainer’ NOT to mention certain things and yet she did.. doubt she will get invited back.
But anyway.. all that to say I would want to know more about Sonia and how she trained her child. I also don’t think I could last 3 minutes hearing my child cry alone in their bed simply because I wanted to ‘train’ them.
kim said,
September 16, 2009 @ 8:39 pm
Well, controlled crying follows a very strict guideline - putting baby down awake and waiting 5 minutes to go in, then 10, then 15, etc. etc. until baby falls asleep. So if she did that for a week … that’s basically the Ferber Method, I believe. But like that kid in your class, preferring nanny to mommy, I think that’s what happened in this case.
Regardless of her ‘method’, I wouldn’t want to risk that type of detachment for my child FOR SURE!!
And Brandy, FWIW, crying in the arms of a parent is SIGNIFICANTLY different than crying in a room by yourself. You’re comforting your child and there for them even if they’re choosing not to be comforted or respond to it. IMHO, anyways. And Dr. Sears’.
Brandy said,
September 16, 2009 @ 11:01 pm
If she truly followed that format, at what point do you stop? What if they cry for hours?
That’s horrible.
If she went that far and let him cry for an hour with that many ‘checks’ I could see why he would be detached. She came in and then left, repeatedly, without meeting his need. At some point, and I’m not sure where the brain is on this age-wise, it’s going to feel like taunting and teasing.
-There she is, maybe she will pick me up. Nope
-Here she is again, maybe this time.. Nope.
-I wonder if she will this time. Nope.
-Why won’t she pick me up and hold me?
-I don’t like this anymore.
-Why is she still coming in? She won’t pick me up, she won’t rock me to sleep.. what’s the point? I can’t calm down and she won’t help.
Horrible.
kim said,
September 16, 2009 @ 11:33 pm
And yet TONNES of parents use this method - scientifically called “gradual extinction”. The idea is to at least go in and see if they’re okay and then leave again. I’m not sure if you’re “allowed” to pick your child up, but even if you do, it’s just to get them calm enough to get back in the crib, at which point they’ll just start wailing again. That’s the CC method, and that’s what tonnes of people do. It’s normal, apparently! See the thing is, there have been NO STUDIES on how long is okay to let a baby cry - just experts and parents saying that eventually, CIO works and baby goes to sleep and stops waking up at night. Well DUH! If you go with your mommy gut, it’s going to say a few minutes of crying is enough. If you go with the experts, it doesn’t matter - the point is to teach them to sleep. Don’t make eye contact, don’t soothe them, and if they vomit, clean it up and begin again. I just don’t understand it. It seems so cruel.
And yes, you let them cry for hours, or at least until you can’t stand it anymore. But the ‘experts’ say if you give in, then all your hard work is ruined. Gwen would totally cry for hours. I know it. That’s why we won’t do it. We let her cry for a couple of minutes to see if she’ll go back to sleep, but I know if we tried any type of CIO (which CC is definitely a subset of!) she would be a pitiful, clingy, basket-case. Not worth it for us!
Brandy said,
September 17, 2009 @ 2:18 am
Jill Stamm, author of “Bright from the Start” has studies to back up anything more than 10 minutes of crying is harmful, physically harmful to their brains. The cortisol levels get too high and can permanently change their brain structure.
If I can find it, I will give you the study info.
Brandy said,
September 17, 2009 @ 2:20 am
ooo here’s a series of interviews with her on youtube
http://www.youtube.com/user/cbresearch#play/all/uploads-all/2/baek–_1ZfU
kim said,
September 17, 2009 @ 2:38 am
thanks brandy!
Brandy said,
September 17, 2009 @ 6:33 am
Excerpt from book on cortisol and effects on the brain
here’s hoping that worked.. and that’s the last I will post on this I promise ;D
Nicole said,
September 17, 2009 @ 8:40 am
I have done controlled crying with both of my kids and they are highly intelligent well adjusted very attached and emotionally balanced children. I think for the majority you find this to be true, its only the minority. And if it works for some that’s great. That’s the wonderful thing about parenting, you do what YOU want to do and what is best for your family. I did not let them cry for hours on end. The longest I let them cry on their own was 10 mins and then I went back to 2 mins. It took about an hour of doing that and most of the time I was right by the door or by their cot so they could see me.
You have what works for you and that’s awesome!
Controlled crying isn’t for everyone, neither is attachment parenting. that would of driven me further into depression! So we each do what is best for us and our families
Claire said,
September 17, 2009 @ 8:50 pm
I wonder if there’s something about the society we live in that’s causing women to become removed from their natural instincts as mothers - or making them believe that it’s wrong to ‘give in’ to those instincts. I’ve found myself being almost apologetic before about night feeds or cuddling to sleep; but I did those things because they felt right at the time. By being attuned to my baby’s cries, comforting when needed (after 2 seconds or 2 minutes, whenever), and leaving him to it when he was calm and happy, he now sleeps through in his own bed, and settles himself to sleep all the time. I’ve heard so many mums saying “I left him to cry it out and I felt AWFUL, but it worked.” But if you feel awful, imagine how your baby must feel! If your gut instinct is telling you to go to them, then just GO! We’re proof that you can ’sleep train’ without tears.
kim said,
September 18, 2009 @ 4:16 am
Nicole, I definitely don’t think attachment parenting is for everyone in our current state of society. I do, however, believe it’s the most natural way to parent! My concern isn’t the kids who are fine after doing CIO/CC … it’s the risk that your kid will NOT respond well … and that’s a risk I’m just NOT willing to take.
Claire, I think you’re totally onto something! We live in a culture that values independence over all else to the extent that we demand it from our smallest members well before they’re emotionally, physically, and psychologically ready. Of course CIO/CC *works* … you’re teaching your child that they can cry all they want, you’re not going to comfort them! I would like to know if anyone has studied why the mothering instinct is so often poo-poo’ed these days. Is it because it’s obsolete now in an era where a baby crying at night won’t get it killed by a predator? Or is it because we don’t value mothering in general anymore? Thanks for sharing that your baby settles to sleep and sleeps through in his own bed - all without you having to let him cry. I think it’s fair to say that if you have to let you baby cry before they’ll fall asleep … maybe they’re not ready to do it on their own yet?
Brandy said,
September 18, 2009 @ 9:24 am
**I think it’s fair to say that if you have to let you baby cry before they’ll fall asleep … maybe they’re not ready to do it on their own yet?**
Ding ding ding.
Ya think?
kim said,
September 18, 2009 @ 7:15 pm
LOL
Kathryn said,
September 19, 2009 @ 8:37 am
I did CIO with Nadia. It did work. Nadia and I have a strained relationship. I struggle to feel close to her. She prefers Andrew to me. Now that being said, I struggled with these same things before I did CIO. I struggled with them from day one. I also had PPD. I’m sure these are all factors. I was in a different place mentally and did what I had to do to maintain sanity. Fast forward to Rhys, my son. He is almost a year, still nurses 1-2x a night. I’ve thought numerous times I ’should’ get him to sleep through the night. I can’t do it. I did CIO with Nadia at 9 months. And tonight, he usually falls asleep by himself, no crying, he has his bink, but he did not tonight. He’s got a cold and very congested. He was crying and crying and crying. I’d leave the room to see if he’d fall asleep, nope. After about 5 minutes of this I picked him up, nursed him again and held him on my chest in hopes that an upright position would help. It did. He was asleep in 10 minutes. He’s still asleep. I followed my mother instinct and it worked. I still regret some of the ways I mothered Nadia, listening to others and what I ’should’ do. I am definitely doing things different with Rhys. But there is forgiveness. We mothers aren’t perfect.
Brandy said,
September 22, 2009 @ 6:01 am
a friend on facebook and from college (wife of college mate actually) posted their son is teething and they’ve tried drops, drugs, etc and even letting him try to cry it out.. two people said we don’t do crying it out and one mom retorted that CIO causes no harm and kids need to self soothe.
the ‘kid’ in question? 9 months old.
I liked to your above article and am sitting on my hands not to just say more but it’s a friend of a my firend so not my friend and i dont want to soapbox in her post.. make sense?
CAUSES NO HARM!? and “Hmmmm Kids need to learn how to sooth themselves at times. Crying is not causing harm to your child. It can show them how to be self sufficient.”
SELF SUFFICIENT AT 9 MONTHS?? ugh.