Attachment Parenting vs. Cry-It-Out
I have spoken to enough moms about this subject to know that in mommy-land, I am playing with fire. Please, if you are going to leave a comment disagreeing with my position, I am happy to read it and have a discussion about the subject. Please keep in mind that just because we have chosen a different parenting style does NOT mean that I think you’re a bad parent. If any nasty/derogatory/flaming comments are posted, I will not respond, and I will delete them. Let’s be courteous everyone - thanks!
A couple of weeks ago I was at the park and met up with some friends. One asked me how Gwen was sleeping and I replied with a “Oh, the same … she still wakes up really frequently.” After a bit more chit-chat, she asked why we didn’t let her cry-it-out (CIO) so we could all get some sleep. I’m afraid my answer was woefully inadequate to convey why we are not advocates of the CIO method.
I thought about her question some more once I got home and came up with some better reasons than just “studies show it’s bad for babies’ brains” and “it just doesn’t feel right”. I thought I’d write them down here so I won’t be tempted to forget next time 
There are a number of reasons we won’t let Gwen CIO. Some of my reasons may be controversial, but I stand by them and am content that we are choosing the best for Gwen, even when it’s difficult.
- If she were older and could tell us why she was awake (pain, hunger, thirst, scared, just plain uncomfortable, etc.), I would not tell her to go back to her bed and cry herself to sleep. Just because Gwen doesn’t yet have words to let us know why she’s upset doesn’t mean her needs are any less.
- By letting her cry-it-out, I believe that we would be telling her that her needs are NOT needs. I believe that this would be the start of her not trusting herself and her body. If she is awake and crying, it is for a reason, if only to be comforted. If that is a need, I want to meet it. Telling her that it is *not* a need feels like me telling her to ignore her feelings.
- We want to teach Gwen that when she needs us, we will be there - whatever time of day, wherever we are, whatever the problem. I don’t want her to feel like she can’t come to us during the night. Letting her cry herself to sleep, finally giving up hope that we will come to her feels awful to me.
- I believe that CIO is borderline abusive. Small babies have intense needs - they need physical contact and night feedings to grow well. Older babies have emotional needs and often need just as much to be kept close and secure at night. Studies (like this one) show again and again that leaving babies to cry changes the brain chemistry and nervous system. I don’t want to mess with that.
Do I wish Gwen slept better? Of course! Do I wish I was getting more sleep? You betcha! But I’m not willing to let her cry herself to sleep in a room all by herself. Don’t get me wrong. Gwen cries. Sometimes Gwen cries a LOT at night. But we’re always there to comfort her - whether it’s just a touch and a pat, propping ourselves up for her to sleep on us, or snuggled up next to her in our bed. My personal opinion is that she will be much more secure having been comforted to sleep while she is young and until she outgrows the need. Which she will - eventually.
Brandy said,
August 3, 2009 @ 1:13 pm
You rock Kim.
That’s all, you just rock.
Now, print those out and tuck them into your carrier or bag so you can have them handy
kim said,
August 3, 2009 @ 9:03 pm
Thanks, Brandy! I was kind of afraid to open my blog up this morning and see what horrible nasty comments there were … thanks for the pleasant surprise!
Good idea to print them out so if people ask I can just hand them over 
Jenn C said,
August 3, 2009 @ 9:22 pm
Exactly how I would put it, if I could have found words as effective as yours! We went through a long bout (2.5 months!) of very frequent night waking with our 9 month old son, and I could never find the words I really needed when various well-meaning people asked why we didn’t let him cry himself to sleep. My simple, solid answer was (and continues to be) ‘It just doesn’t feel right to me.”
Great post!
kim said,
August 3, 2009 @ 9:46 pm
Thanks, Jenn! It’s hard with a frequent night-waker and we’re often tempted to try it, but I can just never bring myself to do it. It all just comes down to the fact that she’s a baby and still so small and young and trusting and how could I abuse that trust?
Claire said,
August 4, 2009 @ 2:43 am
CIO never felt right to me, either. Although I must say I am an advocate of really listening to and analysing my son’s cries; over time I’ve got to know when he needs comforting or if the crying is in itself a way to self-soothe or release tension so he can go to sleep. So where at the start I would swoop in and pick him up, now I wait a minute or two. Sometimes he stops all by himself and goes back to sleep, and he no longer needs me to comfort him every time he wakes, which in turn has improved his sleeping.
kim said,
August 4, 2009 @ 3:16 am
Mmmm … I hear you! A minute or two of crying to see if a baby is really awake and upset or just fussing is fair, I’d say! And listening to different cries and analyzing them is a commendable thing - that’s learning your baby’s method of communication! I wouldn’t consider that to be CIO at all!
Laura said,
August 4, 2009 @ 5:39 am
I like your disclaimer, Kim, and I enjoyed reading your reasons why CIO isn’t for you. We did sleep training with our Gwen when she was 7 months; it was the right solution for our family. I want to let you know that not all CIO methods are about letting a kid cry (or worse) all alone in her room. When we did sleep training with Gwen, we took turns sitting with her until she fell asleep; gradually, over about 10 days, we moved the chair further and further away from the crib until she no longer needed us in the room at all. Nowadays, we go through the bedtime routine, put her in the crib, kiss her goodnight and walk away; as you already know, she entertains herself with her books for 10-40 minutes before going to sleep.
All kids are different and I am a big believer in finding what works best for each one. My Gwen is very independent, to the point where if she does have a rough night and I try taking her into bed with me, she rejects the whole situation. Being with mommy and daddy = awake time. Being alone in her crib = sleep time. To me, sleep training is all about teaching the child that when s/he wakes in the night - as we all do - s/he doesn’t need mommy or daddy to come “put him/her back to sleep”; that the child is empowered to go back to sleep on his/her own. Of course, you mention “needs” in your post and rightly so: when there are genuine needs to be filled, we do not ignore them. But the majority of the time, what Gwen *needs* is to settle herself down and go to sleep, which she does much more effectively if we stay out of the way. She doesn’t need food, a clean diaper, or stimulation; when she does have a rough night (as she did last night) we go and give her comfort, so she is not in need of that either.
Learning to put oneself to sleep is a very valuable skill, and CIO is not the only way to impart that skill. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the subject in a respectful and informative way!
Nicole said,
August 4, 2009 @ 7:30 am
Kim I think you presented your feelings and thoughts in a great way.
Laura we were like you, we did controlled crying which is greatly different to just letting the child scream all on their own. Grace is 4 and she is a well adjusted, secure, caring child. It didn’t affect her and it hasn’t affected my son either. They know we are there for them because we show that throughout the day which I think is key. No good cuddling and snuggling at night and then leaving them throughout the day (not that you do that Kim, but I know some people in real life that do). For our family and my kids, learning to sleep on their own is what we all needed. But each family is different and will do what’s best for them. I know that when I went through PND the last thing I needed was to hold my crying baby til she stopped. There were times when I knew nothing was wrong other than she was tired and I HAD to leave her to cry for a period so I could calm myself and be ok.
Kim I think its great you are finding something you are comfortable with, that you have worked out what to say to those who question you and can give people another option of how to get little ones to sleep
Rachel said,
August 4, 2009 @ 8:22 am
Funny… I’ve rethought about the conversation too! I wondered if I hadn’t really giving an accurate description of our side either. I’m glad you clarified your position and I like alot of those reasons. The interesting thing to me is that while we have somewhat polar opposite views on this one, we’re also very similar. I’ll explain, and as I do, I don’t mean these as “fighting words” at all, merely to clarify our position.
And, despite the differences, I still think you are awesome and I really respect you as a mom. I love seeing you and Brad as parents. Your love for Gwen and desire to live according to ideals is wonderful! Anyways, here’s a clarification from this end….
Justin and I definitely, definitely believe that children need to be touched, nutured, responded to and loved. We try to show our girls this as often as possible. When our daughters have needs, we always want to respond to them, no matter where or when. When our girls wake through the night we ALWAYS go to them. However, we did go through a few subsequent nights with each of them where after responding we’d leave instead of giving them the sustained comfort that they wanted. We’d go back in a short while later and once again tell them we love them, give them a kiss, and lay them back to sleep. We went in to show them that we heard them and love them, and also to identify the need- whether for a diaper change, illness, or comfort. If a diaper needed to be changed or if there was sickness, we’d tend to it. We’d go in again and again, each time staying away for longer periods of time until they stopped crying. This lasted a few nights for each of them, and they broke the habit of needing us to help them fall back asleep during the night. I think this is similar to the Ferber method (?).
You used the word “need”. While we strongly believe in answering children’s true needs (including comfort), they were in a habit at that time of not being able to fall back asleep on their own. We believed that this was a very unhealthy habit for both them and us because all of us were having disrupted sleep, sometimes many times a night. They are now much better sleepers, rarely waking, unless sick, from a bad dream, or from some other discomfort and now we are able to always respond knowing that there is what we would define as a need, as opposed to a bad habit.
I’m not sure how this can be considered “borderline abusive”. Certainly if a child is neglected, that is abuse. But to respond to a cry and teach the child how to sleep during the night by allowing crying with response at intervals, I don’t see it.
Another thought… our daughters will cry if we don’t give them a candy they may see at the store and want, or because they want to watch a movie, or because they want some other unhealthy thing. We are quick to let them know that they are more than welcome to cry and that we can understand why they may want what they want, but they can’t have it. This is a whole different level than the baby level, yet I put it in here to show the difference between what a child may percieve as a need and just an unhealthy desire (like candy, tv, or as we believe getting parent comfort to fall back asleep when waking through the night without there being a physical need night after night). (Interestingly, if our children were to wake now through the night and only want comfort, we would give it to them because it is not based on a habit, but because they must genuinely need comfort in that moment).
Lastly, I appreciate what the authors are saying in the study. However, they don’t give any clear breakdown on how they arrived at the correlation between crying and brain development. It’s all hypothetical. I would agree that damage certainly occurs when a parent neglects their child and that physical separation to form independent children is a backwards way of thinking. I think it’s a very different situation when a child is in a nuturing, loving home and the parents let the child cry for a few subsequent nights, after responding, in order to break the unhealthy habit of habitually waking and needing attention through the night.
I think that’s it. Can I reiterate how much I think you’re wonderful and I love to see you as a parent?! This is just where we’re at.
kim said,
August 4, 2009 @ 9:25 am
Laura & Nicole, thanks for sharing your opinions and methods! I do recognize that there are sleep training methods in which very little crying occurs, or, at least, very little crying WITHOUT providing comfort - at least for short periods of time.
I still believe that “controlled crying” is really just a nice way of saying “cry-it-out” though. When it comes down to it, baby is crying until they give up and fall asleep.
Rachel - thanks for responding!!! I was thinking of you as I wrote this post and thinking to myself “Oh goodness, I hope she’s not mortally offended by anything I’ve written!!!” I even had Brad proof-read it for me
And I OF COURSE respect both you and Justin as parents (and when the heck are we going to get together again??? Settlers anyone?), even though we disagree on this issue 
First off, the study I linked to wasn’t actually the study but an article written about the study, so I realize that the actual data isn’t there, sadly. I wish I could actually find a STUDY online, but alas, I just don’t have access to journals like I did when I was at Mac
I guess my major issue with CIO is that nighttime independence is not an ideal for us until the child shows that they are ready for it. For as long as humans have lived, until the 20th century, people mostly lived in one bedroom homes and babies slept with their parents. In hunter/gatherer societies, babies could NEVER be placed in a separate room for fear of attack by predators - and certainly, one would never let that child cry in order to gain attention to where you’re sleeping! I guess I just see that if it’s worked for ages and ages, then why should we change it?
You also used the term “unhealthy desire” and “unhealthy habit” in connection to night waking and needing parental comfort. That’s just not how we see it. Inconvenient? Sure. Night waking vs. temper tantrum for candy is apples to oranges, IMHO - LOL, but that’s because I think you and I define ‘need’ in this area differently, and that’s okay. But I firmly believe that a need for comfort is a true need - regardless of whether we perceive it as a habit. Our kids have so much time to grow up and be independent … we don’t want to force them to become independent at night before they’re ready for that … after all, I love snuggles at night - why wouldn’t Gwen??
Laura said,
August 4, 2009 @ 12:34 pm
Rachel, thanks for bringing up the protest crying concept. That was one thing I forgot to cover in my comment! One of the (many) books I read on the subject of sleep was Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, and that was a point that rang really true to me. I think the example in the book was a kid crying at the playground because he was told not to go on the jungle gym. The child cries in protest, but we as parents know that jungle gym is too dangerous for a small child. We parents respond to the protest crying by offering comfort and respect; we don’t respond to it by giving them what they want (to put themselves in a dangerous situation). Babies cry when we give them immunization needles, as well. And we parents respond by offering comfort, again, but not by turning down the immunizations (not that I want to get into a whole immunization debate - but for the purpose of this analogy let’s just agree that parents who choose not to immunize generally do so for reasons other than the fear of causing a few moments’ pain to their child).
I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that if we are good parents - and I have no doubt that every commenter here is a good parent - we respond to our child’s needs. But our response may not be what the child is expecting/requesting.
When we sleep-trained Gwen, yes, she cried. She would have much rather been rocked to sleep in Mom’s or Dad’s arms as she had every night prior to that. Learning anything new is hard, and she protested the change by crying. We responded to her cries by comforting her and remaining with her while she learned that she did not in fact *need* us to rock her to sleep. In the 7 or 8 months since then, there have been only a handful of nights that Gwen has not slept 10+ hours in a row, and has gone to sleep when she is ready without any tears or anguish. Nowadays after I kiss her goodnight, she says “bye-bye” to me when I walk out of the room. I’m not saying this to prove that sleep training will make your child sleep better - I’m saying that it made my child sleep better. It worked for us, and I don’t for a second believe that it was anything but a positive move for Gwen.
There’s another facet, too: in the days when we rocked Gwen to sleep, we were controlling that aspect of her life. We chose when it was time for her to go to sleep, and we went through the required routine in order to PUT her to sleep. Nowadays, Gwen is in control of when she goes to sleep. Yes, we still choose her bedtime, but she is free to entertain herself in her crib with her books and stuffed animals until she decides it’s time to lie down. I find that really exciting; I believe it shows confidence and a self-understanding that will serve my daughter well.
Kim, I’m glad you’ve provided a forum for this discussion - I won’t even call it a debate, because I haven’t seen anything on here that’s argumentative or provoking. I realize that words on a screen are an inadequate medium in cases of controversial topics, so I’ll reiterate that nothing I’m saying here is meant to indicate that anyone else’s point of view is wrong. My bottom line is that there are as many “right” ways as there are families, and I’m really enjoying reading about these different right ways!
kim said,
August 4, 2009 @ 8:59 pm
Thanks for sharing more about your experience, Laura! I hope everyone else is finding it as interesting as you to read all these responses - I know I am!
Gina Taylor said,
August 4, 2009 @ 9:30 pm
As a non parent, some may wonder what the heck am I doing posting under this topic. But here it goes.
As some of you know, I was hospitalized from age 12 hours to age 2 years of age; out of the hospital once at age 1.75 for one day. I was trached which meant that when I cried, no one could hear me. I was trached full time until I was 1.5 years old.
I was in an incubator for the first three months of life and finally held by my mother for the first time at age 3 months. This was in 1963 and at the Hospital for Sick Children.
I have had the unusual experience of being adopted by my natural parents if you will. They visited me as often as they could, usually once or twice a week but there was no such thing as living in back there.
Here are the results of this treatment:
a) I became a self soother. I rocked myself. This I have learned is very normal for children in these situations.
b) I suffer from Reactive Attachment Disorder. I have the good kind if any kind can be construed to be good. I think one reason that I turned out as normally as I did is due to my husband of all people who encouraged me to understand and accept that I suffer from this and also helps me cope with behaviours arising from it.
c) Reactive attachement disorder is the so called disease of the minute due to the high rate of international adoptions in our increasingly affluent society. Many of the young children/babies that are being adopted suffer from this due to extended instituionalization. This has led to a lot of study on attachement and what happens when the maternal/paternal attachment is disturbed.
d) I think the most important thing you as parents can do is constantly communicate verbally and physically that your child is loved.
kim said,
August 4, 2009 @ 10:43 pm
Wow Gina, I didn’t know that about you. I knew that you were sick as a child, but didn’t know how sick! How early were you born? It must have been very difficult for your parents to not be able to hold and comfort you … and it was obviously horrible and traumatic for you to have to endure it …
I had no idea that you have RAD - it is a disorder that I’m learning more and more about, especially through my online bloggy friends. Good for your husband for helping you accept that and help you cope and learn to attach well. It seems so devastating in young children, but I don’t think I’ve heard of many adults that would admit to having it.
Thanks for sharing that, Gina. Wow.
Jessica said,
August 4, 2009 @ 11:23 pm
I didn’t read all the comments, but we let our boys cry. Sort of.
I TOTALLY agree with everything you wrote though and I don’t consider what we do the “CIO” method.
Both our boys are super social people. Like super social. Like so much so when we did a 26 hour drive up north over Christmas Judah was awake for all but a couple hours because he could chatter away to the driver and watch all the cars go by.
We have a relatively long bedtime routine with our boys, we cuddle, sing, read, pray, etc.
Once they’re placed in their beds with the lights out we sit at the door of their room and sing several more songs to them and then we leave. 95% of the time they are totally ok with this and chatter with each other for upwards of TWO hours - usually Wesley falls asleep first and then Judah, with no one to talk to, falls asleep too.
But there is the occasional time where they just don’t want to sleep and they want someone in the room so they (generally Judah at this point) can try to stay awake. He’ll cry for a matter of minutes and then be over it and either fall asleep or take up chattering to his brother.
Now, sometimes they cry because they’ve dirtied their diaper, they want water or they are scared and those times I meet their needs right away - I guess, bottom line is, I meet my boys emotional and physical needs and won’t let them cry for NEEDS but I will let them cry if what they want is me sitting in their room so they can keep themselves awake… and it comes down to me knowing my kids cries and what each one means - it’s freaky how well we get to know our kids!
One of them can start crying and I’ll tell Paul “Oh, so and so has pooped.” Or “Wesley got his leg stuck in between the cribs slates” or “Judah just dropped his stuffed animal” and Paul just looks at me like I am crazy, but I pretty much always nail the problem based on their cry.
kim said,
August 4, 2009 @ 11:36 pm
That’s awesome, Jessica!! What a fun bedtime routine. I can’t believe they chatter with each other for so long - what fun! I would totally say that crying for a minute or two for an older child is definitely not CIO! I consider CIO to be leaving a child alone to cry for an extended period of time alone to “teach him to fall asleep by himself”. It’s completely different, IMHO, if you have a child who knows how to fall asleep by himself and most often does, and who is just trying to buy a few more minutes … well, I’d probably let that child cry for a minute or two as well
Gwen has the unfortunate ability to sit upright while still completely asleep and that’s most often what she’s done when she wakes during the first part of the night - either sat up in bed or tried to stand up in her sleep. She’s completely disoriented and often is still mostly asleep when we go in to re-settle her
That poor girl just CANNOT turn off her brain!
Gina Taylor said,
August 5, 2009 @ 3:01 am
I was born two weeks late. I had a birth injury - paralyzed vocal chord across the wind pipe. Very common during delivery and often resolves itself immediately. Mine never has. Had to stay in the hospital long enough for my wind pipe to grow around it and then long enough to learn to breathe after my trach was removed.
I remember nothing about the experience but I do remember very well realizing very early that I was different from my brother and sisters and that my feelings for my parents were very different.
kim said,
August 5, 2009 @ 7:53 am
Hunh - I’ve never heard of that complication - was the birth an instrumental or assisted delivery? And that all took two years, huh? Wow. It’s too bad that you weren’t born now - they’d have been able to send you home with the equipment!
Shannon said,
August 5, 2009 @ 9:27 am
I completely agree with you, Kim! My girls waking and crying at night was a huge clue to their food allergies. Babies cry for a reason, and I don’t want them crying for long periods of time without comfort from me or DH. Having two kids means there’s many times that someone is crying, and I can’t help them as soon as I would if I just had one. But I want them to know that if they’re upset, I’ll be there for them. I want them to come to me when they’re scared or if they hurt. I still lay down with Ellie when she goes to sleep, and it’s the sweetest time of our day. She sleeps well at night too, so I promise one day Gwen will sleep for you
kim said,
August 5, 2009 @ 10:10 am
Thanks for the encouragement, Shannon! Sometimes it’s hard to believe that Gwen will sleep well, but then we get these wonderful glimpses when she sleeps 8 hours straight
Glad to see another mom in my camp!
jenny the big sister said,
August 6, 2009 @ 3:31 am
Kim you know I respect your parenting style and admire you for sticking it out. There is a humane compromise that we applied with Liam when we used the advice of the Baby Whisperer. It was called shush-pat and then pick-up-put-down (PU/PD). There was no cry it out and I completely 100% agree with you that babies should not be left to cry on their own. At the same time, there is something to be said for teaching babies how to self soothe because sometimes they cry just because they can and for no other reason. There really is a way to get them to sleep through the night without crying it out so yes, when Mom mentions that we all “cried it out” I cringe and always disagree with her and support the new research that shows there is NO real positive aspect to that method (for anyone involved, parents or babies).
That’s not to say we didn’t let Liam cry - sure we did - but we were right there with him, soothing him through it, talking to him about it and teaching him that falling asleep on his own is a normal, natural process and that even though he might be crying because it was scary, that it was something he could learn to do on his own. The thing I loved most about PU/PD was that he had his needs immediately met - BUT - at the same time, as soon as he stopped crying we put him back down and he learned very quickly (within a few days) that when he cried we would be there but that he didn’t need to cry just for the sake of crying. Its hard to explain… anyway…. just think, when they’re 16 you’ll be begging Gwen to get out of bed and clean her room!
kim said,
August 6, 2009 @ 6:01 am
Hey Jenny! Thanks for the comment about what worked for you guys. It’s a nice theory but PU/PD didn’t work for us. We did it consistently for probably a week and it didn’t make a stitch of difference, sadly!
Brandy said,
August 7, 2009 @ 12:47 pm
Isabel does what Gwen does but only the first hour or two after bed time. The first time she wakes up it’s because she’s lost her pacifier and is sitting straight up in bed or climbing towards the edge, still asleep just mobile. Lay her down, put paci in and she’s back out.
2nd time it’s to eat. feed her, lay her down and she’s back out.
USUALLY there is no third time. But with teething lately she’s been unpredictable. So I go in and see what she needs.
I think there is a difference between ignoring your childs cries until they pass out and assessing the cry and responding (like Jessica does with her two) and another between patting them back down and leaving.
There have been nights where I’ve wanted to CIO just because I’ve not wanted to go in for the 3rd or 4th time, but at that point I stop what I’m doing and just go to bed with her. We also couldn’t do CIO because she’d just climb off the bed and come to me I’m sure.
There’s a book on brain development called “Bright from the Start” that discusses how the level of cortisol (stress hormone) released during crying spikes and can leave permanent changes to the brain after only 10 minutes of crying. 10 minutes. That’s not a long time for most situations, waiting for a bus, talking on the phone, taking a shower. But for babies that’s a HUGE time span for their brains to be in ‘panic’ mode. And that’s what they are in, panic mode, will they get comforted? will someone come to them? will they be left there alone? will their diaper stay wet/dirty? etc etc etc. Heck, MY cortisol level spikes when she cries!
She has all the study information in her book that any one could go look up the study themselves and read it. In fact, I’m sure there are several studies out there on cortisol effects on the developing brain.
And yes, most kids are totally fine with CIO methods after the CIO is over. But, for us, we don’t simply see no need to let her CIO to learn to sleep on her own. For many of your reasons, like families having slept together for ages. But most of all, we just like it. We like meeting her needs and stopping her crying, we like comforting her when she’s upset. At some point, when she’s older and more mature, there will be a point where she learns she doesn’t need us to fall asleep or put her back to sleep or whatever, but at this stage/age we choose to soothe her back to sleep by laying down with her or whatever she needs us to do.
On that note, she just shifted in bed and whacked her head on the wall.. time to go!
kim said,
August 8, 2009 @ 1:10 am
Oh geez, ouch!
Thanks for reminding me of Bright From The Start, Brandy. I’d completely forgotten about the information in there!!