Body image …
I’ve been thinking a bit about my new size lately.
Mostly because I look in the mirror and I don’t see anything different. I’ve never had a terribly good body image … maybe partially stemming from being called ‘chubby’, ’stocky’, and ‘cute’ - never ‘pretty’ or ‘beautiful’ - growing up .
I told Brad a few nights ago that he was the first guy to have ever called me beautiful - out of 11 (12?) boyfriends I had between grades 7 and 11, when I met him. My parents and sisters never called me beautiful, only ‘cute’.
Every day, I look in the mirror and struggle. I struggle to see myself as Brad sees me and how I know God sees me - beautiful. But I don’t feel it. And mostly, I don’t believe it. I find myself wondering how Brad can possibly call me beautiful when clearly, at best, I’m cute. I don’t doubt he believes me to be beautiful, but if I’m being honest with myself, sometimes I wonder if his eyesight is really that poor …
In the same way, I put on my brand new size 6 jeans and marvel that they fit me. I wonder if maybe I tried on the only grossly mislabeled size 6 in Old Navy and I’m really still a size 12, because I sure don’t feel different and I don’t see any difference in the mirror. I know my old jeans were getting baggy and that now when I walk, my thighs don’t rub together, but in the mirror?
I get in front of that mirror, catch a glimpse of myself in a car or shop window, and instantly I’m that ’stocky’ kid who was yelled at during ballet class to “suck it in!” or the ‘cute’ girl in the family photo beside my two beautiful sisters.
And I vow to tell my daughter that she is beautiful.
Jen said,
April 30, 2009 @ 4:42 am
I struggle with exact same thing. I could have written this post about me and Rich almost word for word. He tells me on a daily basis, but somehow I don’t believe it.
Kim, you ARE beautiful!
wordygirl said,
April 30, 2009 @ 6:09 am
Ohhh, man. This is a can of worms, especially for mothers of daughters! I want my daughter to grow up confident, feeling beautiful, and yet knowing that beauty isn’t all there is. It’s complicated.
I’ll save my million thoughts for a post of my own, but I will point out that you fell into a trap that happens to be a pet peeve of mine: confusing ugly with fat.
It’s:
Beautiful vs. Ugly
Fat (or stocky) vs. Thin
Not:
Beautiful vs. Fat
One can be beautiful and curvy. One can be slender and unappealing. Hollywood and other mass media would have us believe otherwise, but I bet you can think of examples in your own life of people who represent both of those combinations.
On behalf of those who will never be a size six … and are perfectly content with that … please recognize that there is more to beauty than a set of measurements!
(PS, you are beautiful!)
Kathryn said,
April 30, 2009 @ 8:32 am
I know what you are talking about. I used to weigh 280lbs and even though I’ve lost over 120lbs I still see myself as that obese woman from years ago. I can’t be a size 8. It’s not true. The clothes are just made bigger. It’s all a figment of my imagination. I don’t know what to do to change this thought process. If you find out, let me know.
kim said,
April 30, 2009 @ 9:38 am
Jen - I’m glad I’m not the only one who is worried about their husband’s eyesight!! LOL
Laura - Thanks for you comments, but I don’t think I’m confusing fat with ugly. It just so happened that I was both chubby as a kid AND always called cute, never ‘beautiful’. I know larger people who are very beautiful and slender people who are unappealing (I like that description, btw). Just because I’m talking about both things at the same time doesn’t mean I’m equating them. And believe me, I don’t feel more beautiful (nor does Brad say that!) just because I’m a size 6. I am apparently smaller, but believe you me, not more beautiful! I, of all people, know that there is more to beauty than size …
Kathryn - It’s a hard one, eh? The things the media pour into our poor minds about this issue … it’s amazing that we can look in the mirror and see the same thing even though our bodies have changed … Tell you what. You keep working on it and I’ll keep working on it and we’ll let each other know if we have a breakthrough
Gina Taylor said,
April 30, 2009 @ 11:19 am
I dont’ have much to contribute if only to say that it gets easier as you get older. When I think of what I was like when I was your age Kim, I am stunned by what used to dwell on. I’m not going to pander and say you’re beautiful because it really doesn’t matter what I say, it’s what you think. As time passes, outward appearance becomes less of a hangup for me. One thing I know for sure at the ripe old age of 45 is that in the realm of beauty, your husband’s viewpoint is all that matters. My Timmy thinks I’m a super model and I rise to the occasion.
I love you Kim and p.s. I do think you are beautiful, inside and out and you and Brad have produced an equally beautiful and sorry, hideously cute, baby!!!!!
jenny the big sister said,
May 5, 2009 @ 7:47 pm
kim i read this and tears came to my eyes. i never thought we had to say it but i always thought you were beautiful. you are so beautiful! you have the most beautiful heart shaped face i’ve ever seen and when you were born i fell instantly in love with you. its true you are cute and adorable, but don’t think for one second you’re not beautiful because you are. you really are. you are one of the most beautiful people i know and not because i see you as beautiful inside (which you are) but because i see the beautiful person you are outside too.
i think how you’re feeling is completely normal. to look in the mirror and see the old you; how could you not? you spent so many years in your old body, in your mind’s eye, that’s who you are.
but kim, i think that you have always had sort of a bit of a mindful misrepresentation of how you look vs how the world thinks you look because you are just as pretty, if not more so, than becky or myself. think about becky and how she always says i’m prettier than her; come on!! she’s a super model!! but in her mind, she is always that girl from the one family portrait where she looks like native american boy. i know you’re laughing right now because you know which picture i’m talking about; but think about it. when becky looks at herself she sees herself as an awkward teen. fact. she told me so.
all of this to say; be proud of who you are now and know (because i’m telling you & i wouldn’t lie to you) that you are gorgeous. you have the prettiest color of eyes of any of us. you have the most beautiful heart shaped face and widow’s peak. come on. you have a window’s peak! so desirable. wrap that up in the size 6 little package and you are one smoking mom number!
xoxo
kim said,
May 5, 2009 @ 9:37 pm
Gina - it’s good to know that eventually it gets easier! I don’t think about this sort of stuff often, so that’s good, anyways
And you’re right … Gwen IS hideously cute!
Jenny - thanks, big sis
I guess there’s no one that really sees themself as the rest of the world sees them, eh? And yes, you made me laugh (thank goodness I didn’t have a big gulp of tea in my mouth!)
Aunt Merla said,
May 8, 2009 @ 12:51 am
Hi Kim . . . . I think you are a very pretty girl… …woman now . . . when did that happen??? LOL What I really want to say is that you are beautiful inside too . . . . outstanding . . . . you have an awesome personality and to me that is way more important than being in a size 6 … … when I saw you in November I never noticed your weight ….. not even once . . . . all I saw was this beautiful woman shining like the sun!! X.O.
Aunt Merla
Mummy said,
May 14, 2009 @ 11:23 am
First off, I want to apologize for not taking the time to read your blog lately. Fortunately, we see one another often enough that you get to tell me how you feel in person. *Smiles*
So now that we’ve had our little chat, I hope you realize there’s not one among us who really and truly looks in the mirror and things, “Oh, I’m a thing of beauty!” I mean, maybe ’some’ people do, but I only know of one, and she was Becky’s friend in highschoo … the daughter of a Pastor; do you remember?
I feel badly that I didn’t help you with your body image better. I thought I put a lot of effort into that, but obviously not nearly enough. I should have made a better effort, especially since I felt the exact same way. In fact, I grew up thinking it was a sin to stand in front of the mirror for longer than it took to brush my hair! My Dad never told me I was cute until my highschool prom!
And so, I will pray for you, Kim, that like me, by the time you’re 30-something, you might actually begin to see what others see in you … a cute (yes you’re cute!), pretty, beautiful young woman with a smile which lights up an entire city block. And I am thankful for Brad who has at least let you in his little secret: that you ARE, in fact, beautiful … inside and out!
*Huggs*